matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
