Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
