all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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