you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize