you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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