is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
