i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
