Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
