I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
