he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
