God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
