He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
