i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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