at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
