Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
