He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
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