Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
50% drunk capacity currently
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Randomize
