I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
