First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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