I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
