where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
