My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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