I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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