You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
