Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
