In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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