Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
