I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
