Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
