she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
