What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
