my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
