I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
