I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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