i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
