dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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