Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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