My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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