i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
