I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
