Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
