i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
