Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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