Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
