its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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