hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Someone came in the potted fern
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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