so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
