He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
