we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm passing your future prison.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize