I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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