between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
