MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize