I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
