I bet he comes in French.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
