ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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