Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
