If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
