Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
