I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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