I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Dicks are not precious.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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