Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Define "chronic" masturbator.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
