Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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