Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
