apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
