every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
