; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
